(Slow news day)
The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and barely any news is breaking. Today is a slow news day, so I've decided to make s**t up.This is the kind of news I wish would break on totally chirping cricket days like today.
This morning. Apple infiltrated Android headquarters with a secret Suxtnet virus that destroyed Google Play and sent malware trojans into every WhatsApp account, stealing user contact info and taking photos of their private parts while they were sleeping! Reached for comment, an Apple PR representative said, "They deserve it. Android is a stolen product! Instagram was better before Android had it because iOS users are sexier! Neener neener neener."
Samsung unveiled a new Galaxy S4 with T-Voice, which sounds like T-Pain and answers every question with the phrase, "all i do is f**king win." Unlike S-Voice, which is semi-functional, T-voice will be completely useless, and will actually insult users when they try to ask the voice automated service a serious question. Samsung has responded, "We're trying to reach out to the urban community" (weren't these music videos enough?)The company has also announced a 6" phablet called the Galaxy Trapperkeeper you're supposed to hold to your ear like a normal phone but that looks like a frickin' binder and makes YOU look like a frickin' idiot.
In other tech news, ASUS has just unveiled their latest innovation: the padtop, a combination tablet, phone, laptop, tabletop, blender, ice cream machine, sandwich maker, babymaker, garden hose and jumper cable. The device will be able run Windows 8, MeeGo, Symian, Android 1.9 and iOS. Reached for comment, ASUS tweeted, "It's also got a really sexy ass," before deleting said tweet five minutes later.
Last but not least, Facebook has introduced new profiles for babies, in an effort to increase their relevence among the young. Today the first status update, "Harrmf Mommghny," was sent by little Jane Dumphry, age 6, who also posted a picture of a Cheerio, with the subtitle "Kmnjdjskl" The post was "liked" 600,000 times. The new profiles allow youngsters to list their favorite animals, bedtime stories, brand of diapers and religious views (oddly enough, the only option was "Mark Zuckerberg").