Today we've been looking at the most useless Android Market reviews out there. Seriously, it's like the wandering demented tribe of YouTube commenters all immigrated to Android Market land, set up shop and fell asleep on their keyboard. There must be free food somewhere. Whether they're giving five star ratings to apps they hate for no reason, sharing useless personal information with us or complaining about the fact that an app can't find ghosts, these commenters take stupidity to a whole new level. Without further ado, here are some of the hilariously dumb reviews we've found:
Example 1: "Amazing App! One Star."
Amazing! Fast! Mind-blowing! But no Myspace button, so 1 star. New rule: if you're still on MySpace, you shouldn't be allowed to review anything online. Also, if everything else about this app is so amazing, you can't just give it crappy rating because it doesn't have the one random feature you want. That is the very definition of unhelpful.
Example 2: "This App Sucks! Five Stars."
Seriously, do you even realize how rating systems work? You start with five stars; that means it's the best, then four stars means it's a solid app, three stars — hey, stop eating that piece of paper and pay attention to me! It seems some reviewers don't even understand the basic system by which we measure app quality. If you don't understand that five stars means an app is good, you should be staying far, far away from the computer.
Example 3: "I Enjoy Farts"
Thank you for your incredibly insightful review of Google Chrome. I'm so glad you've decided to share your wonderful comments with us. I'm guessing you're not interested in taking GasX or anything for that problem. Nope, just enjoying them? Okay, well,that's...nice. Oh my god, you won't stop. It's like an eruption! Ahhh! Get away from me! Seriously, though, sharing random opinions that have nothing to do with an app = annoying.
Example 4: "Can't Find Ghosts"
You'd think a free app would at least map all the cemeteries in the world. Oh no, wait, you wouldn't, because the app is free and you're an idiot. In general, novelty apps should not rated not by their effectiveness, but by how fun they are to use. That's why they're called novelty apps.
Example 5 Bonus: "Not Only Does It Charge Your Phone...It Impregnated My Wife!"
This review is actually funny and ironic, but chances are someone on Android Market will actually believe it, download the app and give it one star because their wife did not immediately become preggers after download. Oh well, at least we'll have more funny crap reviews to read in the future...
If you find any other hilariously stupid Android Market reviews, e-mail them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org and we'll post-em here.