Watching Microsoft's creepy GMail Man just now reminded me of how many truly terrible Microsoft commercials there are out there. Now, I've seen a lot of bad commercials in my day, but one of the worst I've ever seen has to be the Windows House Party commercial, featuring a bunch of terrible actors getting excited about something. A party, maybe. I'm not sure. They're just really, really happy for no reason at all.
Which type of driving games do you prefer?
Choose Adventure game or Arcade game.
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A while ago, I was so inspired by this ad that I wrote an alternative script for it:
Black Man: Oh man am I having fun in this hizz-ouse. What's that you got over there?
Grandma: Why it's this computer doo-dad thingamabobber.
Black Man: What do you do with it? Stick it in the oven?
Grandma: Ahahahahahahaha! No.
Forty Year Old Woman: Hey dudes! I am home now!
Black Man, grandma: Hey girl! Go on get it! Strut that stuff!
Grandma: Check out this thing I bought! It has a screen and makes me want to party!
Black Man: I love to party. And by that i mean: do drugs.
Grandma, Forty year old woman: Ahahahahaha!
Black Man: I'm serious. I need help.
Grandma: I like this piece of technology because it has a screen with things called windows where you can plan games and stuff.
Forty year old woman: That's cool. I like...stuff.
Grandma, Black man: Ahahahahaha! Thats sooo funny, so do we!
Forty Year Old Woman: Ahahahaha!
Grandma, Black Man: Ahahahaha!
Grandma: Man. Talking about technology is fun!
Forty Year Old Woman: I know, right? This piece of technology is a real party in a box.
Black Man: I hear you, girl.
Forty Year Old Woman: Wait. What are we even talking about?
Grandma: If you're having friends over, make sure they stroke the machine and touch it all over. It's really important.
Forty Year Old Woman: That sounds a little strange.
Grandma: ...and stroke your nipples while touching the screen. Otherwise, what will guests do when they come to your party? Talk to each other? Talk is cheap. Cheaper than your mom.
Forty Year Old Woman: Ahahahaha!
Black Man: AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA! I win.
Grandma: Can you believe how fun it is to talk in the kitchen about the launch of new technologies that will forever change the way we party and play games forever?
Forty Year Old Woman: When I die, will you record a little video on that piece of technology and send it over the internet to my parents? I think they like to party with this thing, too.
Grandma: Of course I will, sweetheart.
Black Man: This is fun.
Grandma: We are fun.
Forty Year Old Woman: Life is fun.
Black Man: I am a man.
Forty Year Old Woman: You ARE a man.
Black Man: A REAL man.
Grandma: Sing it, son!
Forty Year Old Woman: I'm really glad they picked us, a bunch of weirdos, to film this commercial. It really says a lot about this company that they picked us.
Grandma: I agree. We're all registered sex offenders, too! It was really quite the gamble.
Forty Year Old Woman: Sometimes, gambles really pay off.
Grandma: You said it.
Black Man: Cheers!
Black Man: Buy Shutters! It will change your life forever!
Grandma: Ha ha ha ha! Shut up, black man. Don't oversell it. I will cut you.
Thank you, Microsoft, for providing me with endless comedic inspiration.